In a private Jewish women’s group on Facebook that I frequent, members ask for advice on everything from sleep training toddlers to finding a good speech therapist to planning a wedding from abroad. Understandably, women sometimes vent their anger about difficult situations with children, parents, in-laws, colleagues and spouses. Marital problems have been on the rise lately.
In the last two weeks, I read about a woman who admitted she was on the verge of having an affair and described her husband as a slacker, not just outside the bedroom but inside as well. She’s afraid she’ll back out — and fast. Another woman complained that her husband was distant and ungrateful, expecting her to carry almost all of the burden of housekeeping and childcare while he sat on the couch after work browsing websites and texting. A third woman had conflicts with her husband, who didn’t want her mother to come visit them for a week. She admitted that her mother had a “big” personality, but was still very close to her and looked forward to spending time together. To me, “big” was a code word for “overbearing.” Maybe she and her husband needed to find a compromise on the terms of the visit?
I’ve noticed that most women who report (anonymously) about one-sided and sometimes miserable marriages have not been married very long – often less than five years – and usually have a few children. I wonder: were these really radical changes in their husbands and if so, what might have caused them? It’s possible that the women didn’t recognize the warning signs before marriage or didn’t want to recognize them. It’s also possible that something in the dynamic became entrenched after marriage and they didn’t recognize the problems before they became too much for them.
These posts are heartfelt and usually generate several hundred responses. Some members give impulsive advice like: “Leave him! I’ve been in your situation and I know how this story ends.” Or: “Get a divorce. You’ll be much happier. Divorce was the best thing I ever did.”
Fortunately, most women offer more thoughtful and sensible advice: see a therapist, consult a lawyer, take it one step at a time. But I fear that the women who have shared their grief with a crowd of strangers at a time of greatest need may be seduced by the hasty, emotionally motivated advice. And yet we readers cannot possibly know half the stories. The husbands could tell stories too. The truth is rarely on just one side.
I fear that women who are sharing their suffering with a crowd of strangers at a time of great need may be seduced by hasty, emotionally motivated advice.
My heart aches for women trapped in a bad marriage. I’ve known more than a few over the years and it can be heartbreaking. But I also know that divorce takes a very high price, especially when children are involved. Those costs are financial, emotional, physical and spiritual. The effects can last for years.
I contacted Elizabeth Shatzkin, a marriage and family therapist and founder of the Center for the Promotion of Intimacy in Los Angeles, to see what she thought about women sharing their marital problems online, and especially what she thought about the advice to abandon ship. Shatzkin is one of the sharpest and most insightful people I know.
She noted, “When someone is in pain, it’s natural to seek support and validation for that pain,” she said. “Our hearts may be best when we tell someone what to do, but telling someone what to do is not true support. The definition of support is encouraging someone so they can succeed. Without knowing the person, the others involved, and the entire situation, that’s not really possible.
“People who are suffering usually want to be heard, not healed,” she added. “Outside of abusive situations, it is dangerous to tell someone to end their marriage when you only know a small part of the story. Support is a complicated matter and there is no one way to offer it. In an anonymous online situation, not only do we not know the other person’s full circumstances and their pain, but we are also unlikely to know what our ‘support’ or advice will accomplish.”
Listen, be supportive, but don’t try to fix anything. That might be the best advice I’ve heard all week.
Judy Green is the author of Bylines and Blessings, The Skeptic and the Rabbi, and several other books. She is also a book editor and writing coach.
