DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for two years and together for five. He is a wonderful man whom I love very much. I have always felt called to be a mother, and he has expressed the same thing about being a father. He would be an incredible father, and I would love nothing more than to raise children with him.
The conflict is that in the last year I have learned a lot more about pregnancy and childbirth and what it can mean for the mother emotionally and physically. Some of my friends who have recently given birth have experienced serious complications.
Abby, after learning all this information, I am terrified of being pregnant. There is so much that can go wrong and I have a chronic illness that will likely be made worse by pregnancy. I also question the ethics of bringing a child into this world as I know how horrible it is and there are so many children who need homes right now, but that is minor compared to my fear of health issues.
My husband doesn’t want to adopt our first child unless we become infertile or I can’t carry the child to term. However, he is open to adoption after we try having our own child. Adoption or surrogacy is not financially feasible for us anyway.
I don’t know how to tell him I don’t want to carry a child – ever. We’re a little older, so my biological clock is ticking. How can I overcome my fear of giving us something we both want so much? – FEAR IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR TERRIFIED: I discussed your letter with Beverly Hills gynecologist Michele Milovina. Her first words were, “That’s a very common question,” if that makes you feel any better.
Dr. Milovina further said that if someone (like you) is anxious due to an existing medical condition, it is time to make an appointment with their gynecologist or a perinatologist before conceiving. A perinatologist is a doctor who specializes in high-risk pregnancies. You can then get real percentages and numbers and make an informed decision.
If you are still afraid, a reproductive psychiatrist (yes, there is such a specialization) can help ease your fears. You can include your husband in these visits, as this is a decision that should be made jointly with him.
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Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
