Dear Quentin,
I have a serious problem with my eldest son, who is 36 and married.
I’ve helped him financially, so he has a solid understanding that saving means paying yourself first. However, I’m guilty of helping too much, so much so that he seems to be holding out his hand on most of his rare phone calls with me.
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Yesterday I emailed him to say his cousin was doing a music show in Dallas in October. His nasty response was shocking, powerful and immediate, making me realize that I had repeatedly asked him not to treat me this way and he continued anyway.
I have forgiven him for his behavior so many times that I have lost track. I don’t deserve this. I have done nothing wrong. I will not accept it any longer. I am embarrassed to say that this has been going on for years. I threatened to love him from afar if he ever did it again. Now I have to do something about it.
He is on medication for anxiety and depression. He takes his medication. It is obvious that he does not need me for anything except money. Is there any way to change this dynamic?
At the end of my wisdom
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Dear End,
Tell him, “No.” Tell him, “I’m sorry.” Tell him, “No, thank you.” Whatever it takes. Repeat. Stick to your script. You have no reason to make excuses. You did everything you could. He is responsible for the man he is today.
To change this dynamic, you would have to give your son a personality transplant. That’s not going to happen. Not anytime soon. No amount of money or pep talks will give your son the gift of gratitude, make him magically appreciate your generosity, or uncover the roots of his resentment. Nor will medication alone help. It will take therapy, tough love on your part, and self-awareness and responsibility on his part. These are things you can’t buy on Amazon.com.
The person who needs the most support with this letter is yourself. Get the help of a trusted family friend, a lawyer, and a therapist. You need to get yourself out of this toxic situation by setting boundaries and not letting yourself be continually hurt by cruel emails or text messages, bullying, or requests for more money. These requests for money are also an unspoken trade: If you give in this time, maybe everything will be OK. It won’t.
You’ve written this letter just in time. Begging for money and treating you like an ATM today could lead to elder abuse tomorrow, so you need to protect yourself legally and financially. What if you had a heart attack or stroke and became frail? Or if you were no longer able to move in 10 or 20 years? Who would you turn to then? You may want to set up a power of attorney (a lawyer or other trusted relative) who can act on your behalf if you are no longer able to do so.
Also consider a power of attorney, a separate living will that allows a third party – one of your other children, not your son, of course – to oversee your medical treatment should you need help. The more specific the directive, the more effective it will be: For example, it might specify that you want a “do not resuscitate” clause for certain people, or a “no blood transfusion” clause, or a “no visitors” policy in case you are in the hospital.
Review your power of attorney annually, just as you would with a revocable trust. Speaking of which, if you have significant assets, consider putting those assets in a revocable trust – which becomes irrevocable after your death. You can distribute your assets as you wish after your death and/or set aside money for your grandchildren’s education. A trust also avoids the public and time-consuming probate process.
Next, you need to update your beneficiaries. This is just the first step in standing up for yourself and regaining your courage to live. Your beneficiary designations will apply to your 401(k) if you have one, any life insurance policies, and bank accounts. You can add a “deed of escrow on death” to your home. Taking all of these steps can help you reduce your estate and reduce the need for legal battles.
And finally, make a will. Be specific about who you include and who you don’t. And now comes the hard part: get used to saying no, and don’t give or lend your son any more money. As I told that woman who loaned her son $30,000, that won’t serve as a proxy for what your son thinks you did or didn’t do while you were alive. Resist the urge to share your plans with the family, because that will likely spark another scandal. Battle Royale.
This process will not only protect you, but it will empower you. Compartmentalizing your finances is the first step in building healthy boundaries and will introduce you to the practical process of planning for your own future. Being pressured to give money because you expect backlash is a symptom of financial abuse. Don’t let anyone hold you hostage – financially or emotionally. You have a right to a happy, healthy, and peaceful life. They can take it.
Related: ‘She was heavily medicated’: My cousin forced my elderly mother to sign over her share of the family home. What can we do?
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
‘He always managed to play golf’: My husband never worked for 14 years and now we’re getting a divorce. He wants half of my $1 million house. What can I do?
‘He’s mocking me’: I loaned my son $30,000 to buy a house in 2012. I need the money back. He says the ‘five-year window’ for repayment has passed. What can I do?
“I will never give in to these vultures”: My 86-year-old friend is in a hospice, but her “friends” keep asking about her belongings
