DEAR ERIC: My only son died six months ago. I told everyone he died of heart problems, when in reality he died from long-term alcoholism. He was 35 and a very successful lawyer in New York City, as well as a philanthropist.
He did indeed have heart problems, but they were caused by his alcoholism. (Alcohol is a poison, but it doesn’t kill us because our liver detoxifies it. However, if you drink more than one or two drinks a day, the liver often can’t keep up and every organ in the body suffers over time.)
My excuse was to protect his reputation, because I wanted him to be remembered for all he did to make his part of the world a better place, not as a drinker. He was a high-functioning alcoholic, always on time and never missed work or a trial.
Now, some of my close friends are asking me to set the record straight, in the hope that others who are hiding their drug abuse will have the courage to seek help before the inevitable and sad consequences of long-term use take their toll. Should I tell his secret or not?
– In conflict with grief
DEAR CONFLICTED: There is a saying that many in recovery use: “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Alcoholism is a disease; for many, shame and secrecy allow this disease to fester, spread, and destroy. Your disease can no longer harm your son, and his secrets can no longer harm him either.
So if you have the opportunity to tell the whole story and you feel comfortable doing so, take it.
Many grieving parents find some comfort in this. Search the internet for Casey Marie Schwartzmier’s 2017 obituary, which went viral because Schwartzmier’s parents captured her life, her vivacity, and her battle with addiction with incredible love and honesty. The obituary changed lives when it was published, and continues to do so years later.
But don’t do anything just to appease your friends. Your grieving process is the most important thing right now. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you peace and comfort.
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DEAR ERIC: This is a response to News Blues’ letter (June 14). I thought your advice was wonderful. Once upon a time, I was News Blues’ constantly negative father, and I didn’t realize I was doing it. It took me many years (and hard, conscious work) to change my attitude. Now I take my time before I speak, and think about what I’m going to say. I look for the positive in the situation and identify it.
Regarding the “news blues”: Be patient with your father. He has been stuck in this thought process for many, many years. It will be difficult for him to get over it. When you talk to your father, point out the positives you see in your situation. Help him see that the positives outweigh the negatives. Most likely, he is worried about you and is concerned.
– No more Eeyore
DEAR MORE: Thank you for sharing your story with us! It’s helpful to hear your perspective and know that we all have the ability to change long-standing habits.
(Please send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rricthomas.com.)
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