Listen to this articleTwice a month, the executives of the dating app company Hinge meet for a team meeting. But instead of diving into discussions about key figures or sales, they simply start talking.
In the first 30 minutes of the two-hour meeting, colleagues reveal their hopes and fears – what worries them, what they are grateful for and what they feel.
Even at a company focused on bringing people together, building genuine relationships in the workplace is a struggle, Hinge CEO Justin McLeod told an audience at the South by Southwest conference earlier this year. He was a co-speaker at the event with Ann Shoket, whose initiative to combat workplace loneliness is called “10 Minutes for Togetherness.”
As America grapples with what Health Secretary Vivek Murthy described as a loneliness epidemic last year, employers and employees across the country are trying to address the lack of genuine workplace friendships that many people experience.
The problem of loneliness has been brewing for decades; Robert D. Putnam documented it nearly a quarter century ago in his groundbreaking book Bowling Alone. Remote work has only exacerbated the problem, for both extroverts and introverts, says leadership expert Michael Bungay Stanier, author of How to Work with (Almost) Anyone.
“People want to be seen and heard,” says Bungay Stanier. But on video calls, the group gets straight to the point and doesn’t have the natural, informal interactions of a real room. It reduces people to “little heads in squares.”
It’s not easy to talk about this lack of friendship in the workplace, “because it feels like a shameful confession,” says Bungay Stanier. But his clients are starting to broach the subject.
As uncomfortable as these conversations may be, they are worthwhile, says psychology professor Laurie Santos, founder of the well-known course “The Science of Well Being” at Yale University.
Also good for employers
In her own presentation at South by Southwest earlier this year, Santos cited research that shows friendships and a sense of belonging in the workplace are critical to employee satisfaction—and company success.
We assume that friendships in the workplace are “nice to have and not necessary,” she said.
But “perhaps one of the reasons we are all so disengaged at work, perhaps one of the reasons why ‘quietly quitting’ seems so tempting, is that we are not actively engaging with what could be most important to our happiness at work, namely our connections with other people,” says Santos.
Some large companies began paying more attention to the health of their employees long before the pandemic, often focusing on the physical area, for example by adding a gym to their office building or serving healthier food in the cafeteria.
Today, “more employers are not just checking boxes, but are actually looking for ways to really improve people’s health and well-being,” says Suzanne Heidelberger, who has led teams managing real estate for global companies like American Express and Fidelity Investments. Her goal is to bring a welcoming attitude to corporate spaces.
For example, employers could:
— Think about physical spaces and think about relationships, she says. Some companies are installing stairs to help people take more steps and encourage the “casual encounters” that can lead to good relationships. Some are trying to convert green roofs — those planted for environmental reasons — into gathering spaces.
— Create groups and events so employees can find friends with similar interests. “It could even be something crazy, like an ice cream meetup for dog lovers, where we show you how to make healthy ice cream for your dog,” says Heidelberger.
– Offer online meetings too. During the pandemic, American Express offered online cooking classes that made employees feel connected and introduced them to colleagues.
What employees can do
Employees are also looking for answers themselves, notes executive coach Daniel Boscaljon, founder of the Healthy Relationship Academy, which helps companies create better workplaces.
This is not always easy: As much as people long for relationships, many lack strong interpersonal skills, he says.
“When you meet someone with good relationship skills, it’s often like magic,” says Boscaljon. “People open up, they start talking, they feel comfortable. Then sometimes they have a kind of ‘vulnerability hangover’ and think, ‘I was too open there. What just happened?’ … People aren’t used to that kind of thing.”
One key, he says, is working on your own well-being. “You can’t have a work personality and a personal personality,” he says. “Who you are as a whole person shows up everywhere you go.”
Another strategy, according to Bungay Stanier, is to talk to colleagues about how best to collaborate before diving into a project.
“We all have our little habits and preferences,” he says. “And we assume that what is normal for us is normal for everyone.”
By addressing problems up front, you can avoid “little cracks in the fabric of a relationship” that prevent people from becoming friends, says Bungay Stanier.
Even these inevitable cracks are worth discussing. “Relationships that thrive are those that are repaired,” he says.
Above all, remember the importance of everyday greetings at work – even if they make you feel a little uncomfortable. A simple hello, says Bungay Stanier, could be the beginning of the end of loneliness.
Melissa Rayworth reports for The Associated Press.
