Borderlands, I guess. // Courtesy of Lionsgate Films
I wanted to make it easy. Just post the words “Shit Sandwich” here, embed a trailer, and be done with it. The effort of the film would have been appropriate to give it two words. It would have also been appropriate to just reuse a pop culture reference and hope that the dopamine hit of “Oh, I know that!” would be enough to spark a tiny bit of joy.
Unfortunately, I fear that handing it over to Spinal Tap would not do the job that needs to be done here tonight.
“Shit Sandwich” would be enough to make you laugh at how bad a movie sounds, or, more likely, think that my standards for movies are too high and that I can’t enjoy stupid summer blockbusters just because they’re stupid summer blockbusters. I can’t risk that possible reaction. You’d shrug it off and maybe end up buying a ticket to see Eli Roth’s Borderland at the cinema this weekend. For fun. As fun.
The only reason I’m writing this review is to physically stop you from spending $15.
I don’t know you, but you still mean too much to me to let you spend $15 on Eli Roths. Borderland. In this economy? No. There are so many better uses for your time and money. You could buy three scratch-off tickets for $5, win nothing and throw them in the trash. That would be a net gain—even if you would come away just as unsatisfied as Eli Roth’s borderland, You wouldn’t have wasted nearly two hours on it. Time you won’t get back. We’re all going to die one day. If you watch Eli Roth’s Borderland in a theater you are wasting existence itself.
You don’t have to read Eli Roth’s Borderland for yourself. I would have Eli Roth’s Borderland for me, but I only take comfort in knowing that I will save at least one of you. And let me be clear: I hate Eli Roth’s Borderland. No one could beat Eli Roth’s Borderland more than it hates itself.
Eli Roth’s Borderland is the film adaptation of one of the most popular AAA game series in the world. While most games are looter shooters – little plot, lots of using crazy weapons to blow up waves of enemies for hours on end – some spin-offs were heavily story-focused, building a fascinating world and populating it with complex, hilarious characters. Aside from the question of whether this film brings the source material to the screen well (it does NOT), Eli Roth’s Borderland completely botched… the point of Borderland.
A precocious teenage girl (who may have superpowers) is kidnapped by an evil corporation. A ragtag band of rebels race to protect their kidnapped magical child while searching for a fabled secret bug on a remote, dangerous planet. Image Guardians of the Galaxy if you didn’t care about anything.
Speaking of shit, Eli Roth’s Borderland exists to serve up exactly two things in large quantities: ultra-violence and blunt humor. That these two “epic failures” are the focus of the film is baffling.
This is not for anyone.
Borderlands, I guess. // Courtesy of Lionsgate Films
As for the jokes and silly situations, Eli Roth’s Borderland choosing to find humor in constantly pointing out how little sense it makes, or how little it builds on a series of cliches we’ve seen better elsewhere. Jack Black voices the sidekick robot Claptrap, who introduces himself by saying he’s been programmed to “make witty remarks.” Witty remarks don’t come out of Claptrap. Kevin Hart is ostensibly the co-lead, and bafflingly, he doesn’t have a single joke in its nearly two-hour running time. Cate Blanchett, the only one who seems to make an effort here, mostly says, “Let’s move on,” “I don’t care,” and “I’m getting too old for this shit.” Somehow frozen in the amber of the three-decade-old comedy, every other line goes something like this: “Slow down and tell us what’s going on, io?” The only moments where it’s even hinted at “jokes” are repeated interjections of poop and piss. I’m not kidding. “What’s all this crap about?” is the summary of every moment projected on the screen.
This is not for anyone.
Back to the topic of ultra-violence, the PG-13 rating and the need to achieve the greatest possible appeal, I unfortunately have to make the following criticism: In Eli Roth’s borderland, Eli Roth (the director of Hostel) forget to include violence. This is a completely bloodless affair. Thousands of psychotic gang members and evil space soldiers are shot with machine guns or knocked down with melee weapons. You won’t see a drop of blood on the screen. I was afraid I was experiencing a psychotic break with reality. Why would you hire Eli Roth to make a feature film about slapping? Imagine if John Wick has chosen to have Keanu point his finger at men, only to have them immediately fall over and take a nap, instead of a beautiful ballet of bloody headshots. Despite a million rounds of ammunition fired at a mountain of grenades and flamethrowers, the actual damage has exceeded the bloodshed of a Bluish Consequence.
This isn’t for anyone. Eli Roth has created something disgusting, but not for the reasons you hire Eli Roth.
Eli Roth’s Borderland is the cinematic equivalent of doing chores. There’s a checklist that must be checked off that drives every scene. There are places we visit because there were places in the game. There are people who show up because they were in a game. This is a joyless mess that the cast and filmmaker don’t even seem to want to share with the world.
Not every movie has to say something, but for a $15 ticket you should at least expect a movie to talk.
When I leave my AMC, I am not left with the question of whether Eli Roth’s Borderland could have been good, but did Eli Roth’s Borderland does that have to be? Is Eli Roth’s Borderland want to exist at all? It is the most blatant example of “We have spent too much money here to not burden people with it so that they can recoup it something.” Or it would be, but we now live in a world where films are constantly being shelved to give the studios tax breaks. There has never been a better candidate for deletion to recoup financial investment than Eli Roth’s Borderland. Not only is it joyless and pointless, it cries out to be put out of its misery. This is the artistic equivalent of I have no mouth and have to scream –where a living being begs for death, but an unjust god refuses to ever let it die. It longs for sweet release, but is instead created to live on; a grotesque film-like substance that corrupts the space it occupies.
This is not for anyone. Everyone involved should be ashamed, but fortunately the world of Eli Roth will Borderland ever existed when September comes.
Eli Roth’s Borderland is historically bad; it actively annoys you when you watch it. Worst of all, it’s just damn boring.
What an embarrassment. Let’s never talk about this again.
I saw Borderlands.
Dude, we were put on this earth to suffer
God is a machine and pain is its fuel
this is a movie they show you in hell pic.twitter.com/AMdm8MH282– Sam Sykes (@SamSykesSwears) 10 August 2024
