For many people, marriage represents one of the most important personal, legal and financial milestones, and keeping a marriage alive and healthy requires a high level of ongoing commitment.
Sometimes, despite best efforts to stay together, marriages end much sooner than either partner hoped or predicted. There is always a risk that the process of dissolving a marriage will be messy and acrimonious, but it can be less dire if both parties proceed with care and forethought.
Here’s some advice from Barry Nussbaum, a Toronto-based family lawyer who has advised countless couples, on the details you shouldn’t neglect in a divorce.
Do not attempt to get a divorce without consulting a lawyer
Nussbaum said most people, including himself, tend to cut corners when solving life’s problems.
“People generally don’t want to spend money if there is no problem,” he told CTVNews.ca in a Zoom interview, citing the example of a homeowner who doesn’t want to pay $300 for preventative maintenance on his air conditioning system.
“Then it breaks, and the guy comes and fixes it, and it costs $10,000,” he said.
“The same goes for a family lawyer. Sit down with a lawyer before you pull the trigger and find out what your rights and responsibilities are. Don’t start taking matters into your own hands and then hire a lawyer to sort it out, which costs ten times as much money.”
Do not postpone discussions about the children
With some exceptions, such as when one spouse poses a threat to the other or their children, couples with children should agree on some kind of custody and support arrangement early in the separation process, according to Nussbaum.
“Do not go away with the children and forego the time the other parent spends with the children unless there are safeguarding concerns about the other parent’s contact with the children or about your own contact with them,” he said.
“The flip side of that is not paying child support. Even if you don’t see your kids, you’re still paying child support. It may not feel good because you’re not getting along, but it’s very important to pay child support right away.”
Parents who do their part are not only morally and ethically acceptable, but will also make a better impression when the divorce is heard in court, Nussbaum said.
“And the flip side is true too,” he said. “If you don’t pay child support, you look bad. You don’t seem like you care.”
Don’t forget to organize your documents
Divorce is stressful enough without having to search for missing tax records and other paperwork. Nussbaum says missing paperwork can slow down the process for everyone involved.
“If you need to file the application in court, have your tax returns for the last three years, your tax assessments and pay stubs ready,” he said.
“If there are joint accounts, make sure you have access to them and also to the credit cards.”
Nussbaum says you don’t have to tell your bank about your divorce, but if you’re concerned your former spouse might try to empty joint bank accounts, you should let your attorney know.
Do not claim joint assets as your own without consulting your attorney
Speaking of shared assets, Nussbaum said it’s not a good idea to claim ownership of something you both share without taking legal action. Not only could it be detrimental to your family, but it wouldn’t look good in court.
For example, let’s say the family car is registered in the father’s name, but the mother drives the children around in it. The father has moved out of the family home and the mother has stayed there with the children and the car. One evening, the father takes his spare car key home and drives away in the car.
Nussbaum said it would technically be legal, but “if you go before a judge and tell him, ‘I took it because it’s my property,’ that behavior will not earn you the court’s mercy. Even if it’s morally inappropriate, it will not do your case any good.”
Ultimately, he said, it’s best for everyone involved if they treat each other fairly and politely. There are extreme scenarios where that’s not so realistic, but it’s usually possible if both partners try.
“You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,” said Nussbaum. “Sometimes it’s very difficult, but if you let cooler heads prevail, you will be more successful in negotiations.”
