My pregnancy was stressful. Why was my wellbeing neglected?

When I was single in my mid-30s and living in New York City, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be a mother. However, I was determined to make sure I had that option. I explored options like egg freezing and choosing to be a single mother, but ultimately decided it wasn’t for me. I’m very lucky to have met my now-husband in the fall of 2020, in the middle of the pandemic, at 36 years old. We moved in together 11 months after we started dating and finally got legally married about a year and a half later in May 2022. A secret wedding ceremony took place in Switzerland a month later.

At the end of 2022, we moved to Chicago as we wanted to have kids and, if we did, live closer to family. I was nervous about getting pregnant at 38, but we were very lucky that it happened quickly. Since my pregnancy was going very smoothly, we took a trip to New Zealand at 17 weeks. There, we took landscape photos with a onesie in hand to eventually share with our social media announcement.

Back home we had my 20 week anatomy scan, which I must admit made me a little nervous. As a Registered Nurse Anaesthetist I already knew that a lot could go wrong, so I was relieved that the scan had gone smoothly. However, that week I did experience a slight twinge in my hamstring, which I ignored as this is a common problem for long distance runners like me.

The next day I started having the worst pain of my life in my left calf and thigh and I spent the whole day in bed unable to move. I kept telling myself, “This is weird, but if I just stretch it, maybe it will go away.” In the middle of the night my husband had to lift me off the floor to take me to the hospital.

The next morning I called my obstetrician who wanted to rule out a blood clot since we had just come off a long flight. Since it was a Sunday, the emergency room was the only place they could do that. In the emergency room they determined it was probably sciatic pain, which is very common in pregnancy, although 20 weeks is a bit early for that. They gave me a pack of steroids and sent me home. However, the pain returned overnight and I had to go back to the emergency room.

At the hospital, they ruled out other causes like a possible electrolyte problem and I was seen by a physical therapist, but nothing brought relief. I was rushed to the hospital to get an MRI scan of my back. They eventually determined that I had a herniated disc in my lumbar spine, or lower back. But there was nothing more they could do for me at the hospital, so they sent me home. I had to use a walker since I couldn’t put any weight on my left leg, and my husband had to do everything for me. I couldn’t stand in the shower or be left home alone, and we had to give our dog to my parents since it was too much for my husband to take care of both of us.

I started physical therapy, which helps most people to fix a herniated disc within six weeks. But I wasn’t getting any better, so after a follow-up visit with a neurosurgeon, I was recommended a microdiscectomy, a surgery to remove the herniated part of the disc. Things got more complicated from there. The neurosurgeon insisted on doing the procedure to prevent further long-term damage, and my obstetrician advised me to wait and see as I was 24 weeks pregnant, which is considered viable. This meant that if there were any problems during the surgery, the baby would have to be delivered immediately.

In the meantime, I slept only a few hours a night for four weeks and sat upright in an armchair because I couldn’t lie down because of the pain. I knew that the longer I waited to have the operation, the worse my condition would become and I risked losing the function of my foot. But my biggest fear remained: that I would not be able to care for my child because I had to recover from a serious operation that could potentially leave me unable to work.

I continued to go to my gynecologist appointments, where everyone was emphasizing how great the baby looked. I wanted to say, “Yes, it does… but look at me.” This was a wanted baby, but I felt like what I was experiencing didn’t really matter. I was completely ignored as a separate human being.

My first surgery was eventually cancelled due to pregnancy-related concerns. I tried another steroid injection, but after about three more weeks, the pain was worse than ever, to the point where I was now crawling up and down the stairs of my apartment. My neurosurgeon felt we had waited long enough. I finally had the surgery at 28 weeks pregnant, and thankfully it was successful – my pain disappeared immediately.

From then on, I used a walker for two more weeks before switching to a cane. I started physical therapy for my leg and was finally able to walk a quarter mile outside. It took me about 15 minutes, which is crazy for someone who used to run marathons. At 34 weeks, I finally announced my pregnancy, although I never imagined how I would tell people. I often talked to my therapist about how cheated I felt of the pregnancy experience.

Because of the surgery, I took 12 weeks of sick leave and was 40 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I was overdue and labor was induced, but I admit I was worried that the pressure of pushing would cause a re-herniated disc. Fortunately, I was able to have an epidural with no back problems and my healthy son Martin was born on August 21, 2023.

“I felt like what I was experiencing didn’t really matter. I was completely disregarded as a human being in my own right.”

The immediate postpartum period was pretty grim, which I understand is normal, but I really wish people wouldn’t just dismiss it as nothing to worry about. The “baby blues” is a cute term for something that is a truly awful way to live. That’s how I feel about a lot of pregnancy-related issues – like incontinence and pelvic floor prolapse – which is that we just have to live with it.

The general attitude towards these things is, “What did you expect? At least you have a healthy baby.” And it’s always a joke, like, “Haha, I had a baby and now I have to pee when I laugh.” Why should that be seen as acceptable and something to just deal with? I shared this online and more people responded to it than anything else I’ve ever posted, from women sharing their own experiences to women thanking me for sharing mine and saying it made them feel less alone.

Things started looking up in March of this year. I started running again and by April my physical therapy for my back was finished. By June I was looking forward to signing up for a 5k soon where Martin would be waiting for me at the finish line. One evening I was driving to my last pelvic floor physical therapy appointment and after putting my son in the car I stepped around a curb, rolled over and fell to the ground. I couldn’t walk anymore and called my husband to help me. I thought it was just a bad sprain but an emergency appointment with x-rays the next day confirmed that my ankle was broken. I just sobbed. My biggest fear about my back injury was that I wouldn’t be able to take care of my baby and then it came true in another way. I was on crutches for about two weeks and then in a walking boot before I was cleared to go back to work in July. I can now walk again but I’m not cleared to run yet.

I always imagined my child knowing me as a runner and I hope to be able to do the 5k with Martin soon. He is almost a year old and it is much more fun now that he can interact with the world more and I see the world through his eyes.

Most importantly, we need to get rid of the idea that having a healthy baby is all that matters after a difficult pregnancy. We need to give women the space to talk openly about the difficult aspects of pregnancy and motherhood. Because while I’m grateful to have a very healthy, happy baby, I also have ongoing issues due to my back injury and pregnancy. That’s one of the reasons I’m so grateful I saw a therapist who validated my feelings and helped me understand that it was only temporary.

Whether the support comes from people in real life or online, a community is so important for mums to get through this difficult time after giving birth. And I think if more women shared their experiences of motherhood and pregnancy issues, maybe it would draw more attention to them and not necessarily expect people to suffer in silence. And although it is already a very isolating experience, no one should feel alone as a new mum or think that the only thing that matters is a healthy baby. The mother’s wellbeing is just as important.

Emilia Benton is a freelance health and wellness journalist with a passion for telling diverse stories and amplifying underrepresented voices. In addition to PS, her work has been published in Runner’s World, Women’s Health, Self, Outside, and the Houston Chronicle, among others. Emilia is also a 13-time marathon runner and a USATF Level 1 certified running coach.