How to limit friendships without hurting feelings

Dear Eric:

26 years ago, I became friends with another woman at the company I used to work for. We are now retired.

Since we seem to be very opposite in character, the chances of us becoming friends were slim, but our friendship has endured.

During all these years, we met for lunch at random times. In the fall of 2022, I suggested that we have lunch together regularly once a month. I was feeling lonely during the pandemic and thought it would be a good idea.

After nearly two years of this monthly schedule, I realize it doesn’t feel right. There are aspects of her personality that I find off-putting. For example, she can be bossy and rude to restaurant staff.

I want to keep our friendship, I just don’t want to see her every month. I want to go back to our random lunches (which were maybe five to six times a year). How can I tell her I want to end the monthly schedule and go back to having lunch with her “occasionally” without hurting her feelings?

– Break time

Dear break time:

Some friendships are like an overly sweet dessert: a little is enough.

You’re right, telling her you don’t want to see her as often will probably hurt her feelings. There’s no good way to say, “Better in small doses.”

So blame the calendar. Ask her if you can go back to sporadic lunches because it’s difficult to have a regular date.

You may not be able to go back to completely irregular lunches, but if she insists, try every two months and see if it suits you.

However, the parts of their personality that annoy you may still bother you, and you should say something about them. For example, waiters are not servants. People can become little tyrants when their stomachs are rumbling. But no one has ever died because they had to wait a few minutes for a portion of ketchup for their fries.

The next time her bossy side comes out, speak up in a friendly but firm way. Tell her that it bothers you and that you wish she would make a more sensitive decision. That’s what a friend would do.

Dear Eric:

Like many of my friends in their late 20s, my life is still in the draft phase. There are so many moving parts, but I now have a rough idea of ​​where I want to go. I work full time and am also a full time student.

While my career goals are closer than ever, other aspects of my life, like romantic relationships, seem more out of reach than ever. I’ve tried online dating and have matched up with people, but I never make the effort to meet up for a date.

I know that once I get started, a relationship will add more value and fun to my life, but how do I start when I know it will make the rest of my busy life even busier and more challenging? My friends and I often talk about how in our twenties we try to find a balance between work, friendships, relationships, and our mental and physical health. How do you decide what takes priority?

– Work-life balance