To ensure that fathers don’t receive a Father’s Day card at the last minute, PEDESTRIAN.TV has teamed up with Moonpig.
In every circle of friends there is a ghostwriter behind the long texts that you send to a toxic friend. You know what you have done, Jake.
This experience got me thinking: what else could I write for my friends? Turns out, quite a lot. I get that—it’s easy to overlook the supporting characters in our busy lives as the main character. But by writing an appreciative message, you’ll be the main character in your loved one’s next season. Or even just by phrasing a confrontational message correctly so you don’t get canceled. Especially now that screenshots are a thing, I dread the thought of my messages being roasted in another chat…
From a funny Father’s Day message to a plea to the landlord, join me as I curate people’s personal lives. Sorry, AI, but a soulless pile of words will never be the same as a personal message written just for you – from a real human, like the seven DMs below.
*All names listed below have been changed to pseudonyms to protect your privacy. (Especially someone’s Landlord doesn’t get it.)
Monday: Telling an unsuspecting father the news about the tattoo
I started the week by writing for my friend Calliewho got a stunning flower tattoo on her back on Sunday. (I held her hand and everything, she was so brave.) The only problem? Her dad isn’t a big tattoo fan. So no pressure or anything for that all-important message. It was nice meeting you, Callie.
My conclusion: It’s good to know that my dad isn’t the only one who reacts with a thumbs up. Side note: I still don’t know if this is passive-aggressive or not. But don’t worry, guys. I’ve got something up my sleeve on Wednesday to get Callie back in his good graces.
Tuesday: Really thank the people who helped with the move (if you don’t, disappear)
Catherine finally moved out of her mold-infested apartment thanks to the group’s help (because she had had enough). It was like Friendswhere we screamed “GET OVER IT!” (We actually got the sofa through the stairs, thanks for asking). We’ve all been there when we moved in a hurry and didn’t have time to thank the people who helped us. Luckily, I was there on Tuesday.
My conclusion: This response was so heartfelt that it reminded me to send my own thank you letters. I just want to know what “little gift” she gave to the group; I’m still waiting, Katherine.
Wednesday: We wish Dad a Happy Father’s Day in advance (so that you become the favorite)
On Wednesday, I decided that Callie needed to kiss her dad’s ass after the thumbs up incident. What do I think is the best way to win a father’s heart? Stupid jokes.
My conclusion: In a typical dad move, he didn’t respond to Callie’s text. But later that day, he changed the oil in her car (shouldn’t you do that??), which in dad-speak means “I love you.” So that’s what I call a success.
Sending a personalized card might also get Callie back in the good graces. (Not just stereotypical golf and beer jokes, like mine.) Especially compared to her siblings, who are scrambling to get something at the last minute. Little do they know, Callie is getting a free first card from Moonpig—the kid’s favorite title is in the bag. PS: You can also snag a free card (shipping included!) by using promo code PTVDAD.
How could her father not forgive her when he receives this funny card with personal messages and pictures in the mail?
Thursday: Funny wedding countdown message
I still can’t believe that my colleague, who is now my best friend, is getting married in 20 days. It feels like jade I told you about my first date yesterday at lunch. So I decided She should honor the countdown to 20 puns because she really is that funny.
My conclusion: I didn’t realise how single I am until I read her sweet messages. Luckily, I am both a dog mom and dad to Peaches, my border collie. Since Father’s Day cards are coming soon, I’m buying myself a card and Jade is buying one to give to her partner (so I can grab the free first card from Moonpig). Because her partner, Kaiis the father of her cat, Mr Whiskers.
Friday: Passive-aggressive message to a landlord
As my colleague Diego told me that his landlord wouldn’t pay the cleaning fee even though there was literally feces, human hair and popcorn kernels when he moved in – I knew what I had to do. On the whiteboard, Kronk. Wrong lever.
My conclusion: As you can see, he didn’t send it as a direct message. Unfortunately, he was too scared to send it because he was afraid of getting kicked out. Also, he wanted to burn it for therapy purposes but didn’t want the fire alarm to go off. Ultimately, it ended up in the trash can – where the landlord belongs, who refused to pay the cleaning fee.
Saturday: Happy birthday to a sister (who won’t hate her)
It’s simple: if someone sends me a generic birthday message, I give them the same medicine back. That’s why it’s so important to make birthday messages unique, like I did for my best friend’s sister from college.
My conclusion: A special birthday message can make someone’s day, especially sisters who hold you accountable and are petty when you don’t. (I’m the petty sister in this scenario.)
Sunday: OMG, my friends are getting pregnant now
What better way to end the week than with a birth? I remember my first girlfriend telling me she was pregnant and I didn’t know how to react. Luckily for my girlfriend Dakota, who was recently named godmother, I have perfected the message “Congratulations on your pregnancy”.
My conclusion: It doesn’t take much to offer help to your friends and they will appreciate it. Especially your pregnant friend who is literally squeezing a bowling ball out of her pussy.
What a week! Although it was fun getting messages from people in their personal DMs, from now on I just want to write my own messages. Next step? I’m going to write a personal card to my dad so I can win the Most Popular Kid award.
