Dear Jane,
My husband confessed something to me about himself that I find truly offensive – and I feel quite disgusted towards him.
He made his confession last week when I was making a shopping list for him.
I listed the usual things – fruit, butter, bread, toilet paper – and then I realized I was out of tampons, so I added them to the list without thinking anything of it.
But when he read it before going to the store, he snorted in disgust and told me flatly that he would rather not buy tampons. Couldn’t I just get them myself next time I was in the store, he asked.
Since my husband is 34, I never thought that something as silly as tampons would make him so sensitive.
Dear Jane, My husband has confessed something to me about himself that I find truly offensive – and I am quite disgusted with him.
I said I thought it was a bit immature that he was afraid to pick it up and pointed out that he was wearing a wedding ring, so anyone who saw him would probably assume he was taking it for his wife.
But then the truth came out: He blurted out that it wasn’t about being ashamed, but rather that he finds his period in general repulsive. He hates the thought of it, going so far as to call it “his biggest turn-off ever.”
As I stood there staring at him in horror, he went on to say that he was “grossed” when I had my period and that was why he always avoided sex during that time of the month.
I always assumed that he didn’t try it in bed during my period because he wanted to be respectful. That seems to be not the case.
In the end, he essentially said that he understood that periods were inevitable and that he wanted me to feel comfortable during that time of the month, but that he would be happier if I could just keep “that stuff” to myself.
Then he gave me a kiss and went into the store, where – surprise! – he didn’t buy any tampons.
Something about this whole interaction leaves me feeling uneasy. Am I married to an immature man-child?
He carries on as if the conversation never happened, blissfully unaware that I’m still disgusted.
The question now is: should I speak up and tell him how I feel and risk a heated argument? Or should I endure my period in secret without saying a word?
Out of,
Bloody catastrophe
Dear Bloody Disaster,
Research suggests that men’s perception of menstruation depends largely on how they were exposed to it in childhood.
International bestselling author Jane Green gives wise advice on her readers’ most burning questions in her advice column “Dear Jane”
Men who grew up around women – mothers, sisters, etc. – for whom periods were normal and who talked openly about it instead of trying to hide it, tend to be much more relaxed about the topic.
It is surprisingly common for men who do not fall into this category to feel disgust at the thought of menstrual blood.
They often equate it with either blood from an injury or, worse, feces.
I’m sure none of this will make you feel any better, but it may help you understand that as hurtful as it was to witness your husband’s behavior, his reaction was not as unusual as you may think.
With frequent contact and a healthy relationship, most men – even those who are initially disgusted – will end up being quite indifferent to your monthly bleeding.
Communication is key here.
It seems to me that your husband doesn’t know nearly enough about the female body and how it works. Helping him feel more comfortable around you is your best chance to help him feel better.
I wish you good luck.
Dear Jane,
Last week my eight-year-old son came home from school with a black eye and refused to tell me how he got it.
This is the first time he has ever tried to lie to me or withhold information from me. He is normally a very open, honest boy and there has never been a moment before where he has failed to talk to me or his father about anything.
Also, he is not violent or aggressive in any way – so I find it hard to believe that he was involved in fistfights on the playground.
His teachers say they have no idea what happened. He went to lunch with the other kids, came back and had a huge black eye. When they asked him what happened, he wouldn’t tell them either.
They called me and asked me to pick him up. I took him to the doctor so he could examine him thoroughly, asking him repeatedly what had happened.
I assured him that he wouldn’t get in trouble, asked him if he had fallen, bumped into something, or argued with another boy or girl – but he always just said he didn’t know.
Dark thoughts run through my mind: I worry that he is being severely bullied and is afraid to talk about it… or worse, what if he gets into an argument with an adult who has sworn him to secrecy?!
I don’t know how to convince him to tell the truth.
I’ve tried strict methods, calming drugs, I’ve even tried bribing him with his favorite snacks and more time on the Xbox.
The last time I asked him about it, he burst into tears and it broke my heart, but it also proved to me that there is something bad going on here that he doesn’t want to admit.
Do you think I should take him to a therapist and see if they have any success?
Out of,
Tiger Mom
Dear Tiger Mom,
As a parent, I know that we always have a tendency to step in and try to protect our children from the pain they are going through, especially in this day and age when we have to deal with the modern war zone of social media.
Raising their children becomes a full-time job and many mothers want to wrap their children in cotton wool and give them the most perfect and peaceful childhood possible.
I feel your pain and confusion because you don’t know what happened, really.
But unless your son shows any other signs of trauma, such as not wanting to go to school or suddenly becoming moody or withdrawn, I’m inclined to advise you to try to let the matter rest.
If you pressure him to tell you what happened or drag him to a therapist and try to force him to tell you everything, you are unlikely to improve communication between you.
Continue to be present and loving and open to whatever he wants to tell you. He may decide to share something at a time when he feels particularly safe when you are talking about something completely different.
He may also be worried about your reaction and may assume that if he tells him about an argument with another child, you will have to call his parents or the school, which will only make things worse for him.
It’s definitely worth reassuring him that you won’t interfere in his life, no matter how much the truth may prompt you to intervene. That you just want to make sure he’s OK and offer advice if he needs it.
However, he may still not share it, in which case I would strongly advise you to move on.
Our children live a whole life outside of our sight that has little to do with us. Living that life is part of growing up.
As painful as it is to see our children hurt and not see the whole picture, you cannot and should not intervene in his school life unless, as I said, his behavior changes radically or this happens again.
Your role is to be a loving advisor, not the ever-present helicopter parent.
