If you somehow emerged from your teenage years as a perfectly confident adult who always holds your head high, you’re lucky. Even for those of us who were lucky enough to have great role models, a number of uncontrollable factors – including trauma, bullying and societal expectations – can make it really hard to feel confident.
The good news, though, is that “self-confidence is a learnable skill,” says Geoffrey Gold, PhD, clinical psychologist at Therapists of New York. And that’s an important message: Believing in yourself won’t necessarily make you an expert at everything or get you everything you want in life, but it will encourage you to take more risks and seize opportunities (perhaps by applying for a great job—or quitting a bad one). Not to mention, you’ll be much happier and have healthier relationships when you trust and accept yourself.
Of course, if you’ve struggled with self-doubt for years, we can’t just magically convince you that you’re smart enough, attractive enough, and good enough. So don’t just take our word for it. We asked therapists to share some effective ways you can boost your confidence and start trusting your abilities and judgment.
1. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes
“Self-confidence is not about being flawless and perfect. It is about believing in your own ability to grow, adapt and improve,” says Dr. Adia Gooden, a Chicago-based clinical psychologist and moderator of the Unconditionally worthy Podcasts.
Instead of putting pressure on yourself to never mess up (which only makes you more anxious and insecure), it’s more productive to view mistakes as opportunities to grow. Sure, it sucks that you messed up the interview, but now you know how to better prepare for the next one. And OK, Friday night’s date was a disaster, but maybe it made it clear what you’re looking for (and not looking for) in a partner. Ultimately, self-acceptance is about accepting yourself as a whole, says Dr. Gooden—that includes your successes and your slip-ups.
2. Make a list of your weaknesses – and counter each one with a strength
According to Dr. Gooden, it’s human nature to focus on the negative, so during a spiral of self-doubt, it can be helpful to highlight your best qualities. You can start by making a list of the “weaknesses” that are preventing you from realizing your potential. Then counter each of them with something you’re good at and how you can use that strength to your advantage.
