DEAR MRS MANNERS, I would be interested to hear your opinion on the ubiquity of online requests for donations following a death.
These opportunists are rarely the immediate bereaved, but rather seemingly well-meaning friends or relatives asking for help on their behalf. One fundraiser set a goal of raising $20,000 for the grieving widow. The platform displays an “honor roll” detailing who donated what amount. It appears that donors can remain anonymous (though most do not wish to do so) while still displaying their donation amounts.
It seems somewhat insulting to both the deceased and their relatives to publicly suggest that the deceased had not prepared for this eventuality and had irresponsibly left their loved ones destitute.
I am a generous person and have donated my money and/or time to many causes, often significant amounts. But this money-making, often just hours after a death, strikes me as very distasteful. In these cases, I choose not to donate through the public platform, but instead offer my condolences. Occasionally, when the need was obvious, I have sent a private donation directly to the primary grieving person.
I am happy with this approach. But what do you say about using these online platforms?
DEAR READER: Leaving aside legality, ethics, and good taste—which, as Miss Manners has noted, seems to be common practice—the question of etiquette is: Under what circumstances may someone else make such a request on behalf of the chief mourner?
It must conclude that this cannot be done at a time of enormous suffering. In a perfect world, this would put an end to the practice.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners via her website, www.missmanners.com; to your email, [email protected]; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
