This is part of Wedge problemsa pop-up advice column on politics that runs now until the election campaign. Send a question here – it is anonymous!
Dear Wedge Issues Team,
My boyfriend and I are about to buy a house together. I love him so much and we are a great match overall; I have no reservations about this move. But we have very different political views. We agree on some things, have conversations with gentle opposition on others, and just agree not to talk about a few other things. He generally despises all politicians, so I don’t worry if he puts up signs in his front yard for a candidate I despise or anything like that, but I live in fear of the dreaded flagpole.
If we buy a house with one of these people, or he decides to put up a flagpole, what say do I have over what he will fly? I would certainly draw the line at a Confederate flag, which I consider a hate symbol, but what if he wants to fly a Gadsden flag or something else that at first glance represents “freedom” but has actually been co-opted by a certain subset of the right? Do I keep the same line? And do I passive-aggressively fly a Pride flag underneath it? Frankly, even the decision to fly an American flag seems like a right-wing pose to me, but of course I would end up looking like an un-American asshole if I asked not to fly one.
It’s just a hypothesis right now, but I’m trying to make my opinion on this clear now. I generally try to make my progressive views clear in an area where it sometimes puts me in the minority, and I don’t want to lose that when we become homeowners.
—Liberal Samuel Alito
Dear Liberal Sam,
I’ll first address the practical aspect of your question, which I think is very resolvable. First off: I don’t know where you’re looking for a home, but flagpoles just aren’t that common these days. Chances are, most places you’re viewing won’t even have one. If you’re out of luck and your dream home comes with a pole, you can contact the sellers informally and try to negotiate a deal where they remove the pole for a few hundred dollars extra before they move out. The price would be worth it to avoid future strife, as would the easy excuse at your friend’s expense. It will be an unorthodox request, so if the sellers say no, ask their permission to do it yourself before you sign for a deal, and tell your significant other that the pole, in real estate parlance, “did not transfer.”
If none of that works and you have a pole in the ground by move-in day—or your friend simply insists on installing one himself—you still have options. Flags are tacky, and you have every right to forbid them from hanging on aesthetic grounds alone. Alternatively, you could embrace the bad taste. Convince your friend that your priority should be avoiding awkward conversations with neighbors: Does he really want to be the Martha-Ann Alito in this scenario, getting called the C-word by passersby as he strolls down the cul-de-sac? No, he doesn’t—so you should steer clear of political iconography and stick to tacky flags celebrating the seasons, secular, non-patriotic holidays, and cutesy miscellany. Although flagpoles are generally rare in modern neighborhoods, it feels like every small town in America has at least one. one House with a flag depicting kittens playing in the yard. I’m not sure how this became a standard flag motif, but it could have a positive effect on your relationship! If cats aren’t your thing, there are always puppies in Adirondack chairs or bunnies on fences. Become the cute neighbor and plant a matching gnome garden.
At the very least, your boyfriend should agree that you both have to be OK with the flag hanging on your front door. The outside of your house is your face in the neighborhood, the first thing your guests see when they arrive. With a flag, it also becomes an expression of your household’s values. (Even if those values are “lamb lying among daffodils.”) Neither of you gets to overrule the other in the way you present yourselves to the world. You don’t have to convince him that the Gadsden flag has troubling cultural connotations or try to neutralize the January 6th vibe with an “In This House” sign. He just needs to respect that owning a home together means you share decision-making power, and that most decisions about the multi-hundred-thousand-dollar purchase you’re about to make must be made based on consensus. Sure, maybe everyone is allowed to decorate their man cave or shed or nonbinary corner in their own ugly, idiosyncratic style, with little regard for their partner’s wishes. Flags, on the other hand, are a group project.
So, Liberal Sam, if your main goal is to keep the peace in your relationship without promoting right-wing ideologies in your front yard, that should be enough. But might there be a deeper concern behind this hypothesis?
Before you commit to this man with a legally binding contract and a monthly mortgage payment, I invite you to consider what you might learn about your relationship from this thought experiment. Most homebuyers don’t “live in fear” of ending up with a flagpole that their partner could seize with symbols from a Southern Poverty Law Center database. If your political views diverge enough that this is a legitimate concern for you, it’s possible that you aren’t as “extremely compatible” as your day-to-day interactions make you seem.
I know that many successful couples cope with political differences. I can understand how difficult it can be to find someone you fundamentally agree with in an area with few progressive dating options. But politics isn’t just a matter of opinion or taste, like whether you’d rather have a hedgehog with mushrooms or a hamster with flowers on your flag. It’s an expression of deeply held values that go way beyond an election or a vote in parliament. Politics is about how we believe people should be treated, what we think they deserve, and what we owe each other and future generations as fellow travelers on this confusing, beautiful planet. It’s about our differing levels of tolerance for other people’s suffering, and what the hell we’re supposed to do with ourselves as we muddle through an increasingly alienating era together.
This is abundantly clear in our current political climate. Today, one side of American politics is moving toward a punitive authoritarianism motivated by retribution and greed, sowing distrust, resentment, and nihilism to create an increasingly antisocial public. I find it difficult to imagine how “very different” political beliefs – not just a minor policy disagreement here and there – can be compatible with a shared set of values that forms the foundation of solid, long-term relationships.
You mention that your friend hates politicians, which I take as an encouraging sign that he has not, shall we say, succumbed to Donald Trump’s toxic messiah complex. You are just worried that he may be interested in broader ideas of Freedom or America in a way that would hurt your feelings. But when you get to the point, what does Freedom for him? What does he love about America, and when, if ever, does he think it should be criticized? I suspect his answers will reveal deeper, fundamental differences in your respective worldviews that go far beyond superficial political leanings. It’s worth reconsidering whether you want to live your life in lockstep with someone who doesn’t share your ideas about what is acceptable and indefensible, just and unjust, helpful and harmful, and – to be precise – good and evil.
I also notice that you’re afraid of coming across as an “un-American asshole” to your boyfriend for not wanting to fly an American flag. If you’re still worried that your political views – in this case, your dislike of “right-wing posturing” and gratuitous displays of nationalism – might taint his opinion of you, then maybe the two of you don’t have as much mutual respect for your differing views as you’d hoped. And the fact that you even considered the possibility that he might want to fly a Confederate flag outside your house should raise a giant red… well, you know.
Before you start spending your evenings scouring Zillow together, I hope you take a moment to think about what your political views say about your morals, and what his political views say about his. Do you have any concerns about his character? Can you imagine getting tired of sharing your life with someone whose core values conflict with yours? If so, maybe it’s time to find a place of choice. own.
