Dear Eric: My now deceased wife, to whom I was married for 39 years, knew about my clinical depression and supported me greatly during a week-long stay in a psychiatric hospital, followed by several months of outpatient treatment.
I have been widowed since 2020 and am now in a committed relationship with a woman I have been with for two years. I moved in with her six months ago. Although I have been open with my girlfriend about my depression, which is mostly controlled with medication, I have never mentioned my hospitalization 12 years ago. Do I need to be open with her about my entire mental health history this far into our relationship and perhaps risk everything?
— Fear of sharing
Dear Share: If your girlfriend loves you enough to move in with you, then she’s probably in love with you enough to accept all parts of you, even the ones that make you embarrassed. Still, it’s OK not to mention something that happened twelve years ago.
I remember a song by Tracy Chapman called “At This Point in My Life” that I listened to over and over in my twenties and when I was very depressed. A lot of the song is about someone who fears that they are only defined by the mistakes they have made. But towards the end there is this lyric:
At this point in my life/I want to live as if love is the only thing that matters/As if salvation is in sight/As if finding an honest life/Is all a person needs/No matter if you find it.
I have found comfort in this for decades.
Tell your friend what you feel comfortable telling her, knowing that she can bear it and she can bear you. Don’t let shame convince you that parts of your mental health issues make you unlovable. And allow yourself to leave some parts of the past in the past.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rricthomas.com.
