Dear Eric, I started a new relationship a few years ago and it has recently become serious. I really love my girlfriend and she is so sweet and kind. Actually, everyone loves her. The problem is that she mispronounces or misuses a word almost every day. Sometimes in an embarrassing way.
I am fortunate to be highly educated, to have a professional job, and to come from a family where speaking correctly was important. She had limited education after high school, married young, and established herself in a profession where she works for herself. I am very proud of her. However, I never know whether I should correct her, if so, how often, or whether I should just get it over with. I think I would personally prefer to be gently corrected in private (e.g. by explaining the origin of the word and the correct usage, etc.). Snobbish or helpful?
— Wordsmith
Dear Wordsmith: Ah yes, you have a “My Fair Lady” problem. In the classic musical, Henry Higgins, a learned professor of phonetics, meets Eliza Doolittle, a Cockney flower girl, and tries to teach her how to speak “properly” as part of a bet with a friend. In the process, he falls in love with her and her lively communication style.
The question here is sometimes the same as the question in “My Fair Lady”: Does she want your help?
So next time, ask her in private. “You said (X), but it’s usually pronounced (Y). Will it help if I say that, or would that annoy you?” Then do what she asks. If you’re the only one who flinches, it’s not a problem for either of you, and a correction will annoy her. Language is fluid. The most important thing is that you understand each other, both in what you say and what you do.
Dear Eric, I really enjoy reading advice columns and see a lot of older people frustrated by not saying thank you for gifts to their younger relatives. Without wanting to sound ungrateful, I think there is a generational gap here that is not being addressed.
I’m in my 30s. When I get a thank you card for a gift or a dinner invitation, I’m always surprised. It seems so formal! And unnecessary.
Instead of thinking, “My friend/neighbor is grateful,” I think, “My friend/neighbor feels obligated to write thank you letters.”
A thank you note is not too much to ask, but it is not as obvious as the older generation seems to think, so I wish they would take it less personally. The expectation actually needs to be explained/taught in relational terms – “I feel loved/rejected/used when…” and done with patience as the children learn this intergenerational communication skill.
— No thanks necessary
Dear Thanks: This topic does come up a lot, you’re right. And there are definitely cultural and generational differences, but I don’t think there’s a one size fits all explanation. You say you have friends who send thank you notes. Maybe they appreciate it!
But her final thought sums it up: we just have to say what we need.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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