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Dear care and feeding,
I love my mother very much. She is not perfect and it took us a while to get along. I have realized that I can either love her for who she is or resent her for not being the person I need and I have chosen the former. However, there is one thing I cannot accept about her and that is her new obsession.
They are Korean dramas. They are everything she does, everything she talks about, everything she thinks about. For as long as I can remember, my mother has been obsessed with something –The X-FilesSolitaire, Minesweeper, Hearts, Spades, my brother’s academic success, etc. But for the past six years, it’s been K-dramas. And not just K-dramas—there are Japanese dramas, Taiwanese dramas, and Chinese dramas, too. Thanks to the ubiquity of cell reception and her iPad and iPhone, they’re with her everywhere she goes. We were just at a funeral and she couldn’t go 30 minutes without leaving the reception to watch an episode. (Don’t even get me started on her lack of headphone use.) When I have a personal question for my mom, she puts aside her wealth of experience when it comes to what the two ill-fated lovers in her latest series are going through. Before I met my last partner, when I was happily single, she shared with me that she now understands that it’s much harder to be happy alone. Is possible – not because her daughter actively experienced it, but because this was the result of another drama.
I feel like I’ve lost a big part of my mother, who I love so much. I know loneliness and idleness are at the root of this – she was a stay-at-home mom and had a career as a homemaker, my brother is engaged and lives across the country while I live three hours away by train. I believe her isolation and living in a 24/7 fantasy world has affected her social energy. She used to be the life of every party – now she doesn’t feel comfortable going long periods without screens. My dad has his own hobbies to keep himself entertained and my mom isn’t interested in them. Having separate lives in retirement is good for their marriage. But it also means my dad has no motivation to control her on her screen time.
I managed to get my mom to stop talking about K-dramas in our phone conversations, but it was a long, hard-fought battle with a lot of sulking on both sides. Is there a way to get her to cut down on her drama addiction without causing another meltdown? Since I don’t live with her and it only affects me when I visit her or try to get her to socialize with my partner’s family, should I just let it go? Is this something I shouldn’t be so ashamed of? Do I have an obligation to try to make her understand how this is affecting her ability to engage with the world around her? (Talk therapy is not an option.) I just don’t know what to do!
—Too much drama
Dear “Too Much Drama”,
I understand why you’re worried. Whatever is going on with your mother and how focused she is on her dramas – whether it’s a genuine addiction, a product of boredom, exacerbated by depression or anxiety, or some unknown combination of factors – she’s not really engaging with her own life right now. She’s isolating herself, avoiding social engagements, and leaving funerals early. And she’s allowing it to affect her relationships with the people she loves.
If she wants to see less drama, she’ll have to make the decision – and you can’t do that for her. But you can tell her how this is affecting you and your relationship with her. Have you told her that you’re actually worried about her? That you feel like she’s missing out on opportunities to experience other things and spend time with people she cares about? Maybe she’s noticed your anger or embarrassment, but doesn’t quite understand how worried you are.
Of course, you can’t change your feelings. And of course, you’ll continue to worry and care about your mother. But it may be good for you to try to think less about or focus less on her drama addiction, if that’s at all possible for you. Do what you can to keep your peace and detach yourself emotionally from her obsession – you can express disapproval to her and even express concern to her without constantly agonizing over something you can’t change.
Getting your mom to stop talking to you about her dramas may not feel like a victory, but for now, that may be the best thing you can do. When you visit her, you can also tell her that you don’t want to hear about dramas in person. Stick to other topics of conversation as much as possible. Ask who she’s hanging out with and what she’s doing. If she shows any interest at all in activities or socializing that don’t involve TV, do everything you can to encourage and support those interests.
If you don’t see any change in her behavior, or if it gets worse, you may want to consider contacting her primary care doctor. He won’t be able to tell you anything about your mother’s health without her permission, but you can share your concerns with him. It’s legitimate to be concerned about her obsession and increasing isolation; about how anxious she is when she leaves the house or is expected to focus on something else. Perhaps her doctor can find a way to ask about her “hobbies” and discuss the excessive TV watching with her at her next appointment.
—Nicole
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