DEAR ABBY: I am very close to my oldest sister’s three sons, especially “Lucas,” who is 38.
He and I have communicated and seen each other many times over the years (we live in different states). In a way, I have been his confidante. He knows that I love him like a son.
Lucas works in a big city and earns a good living. He is popular and enjoys going out with friends.
We haven’t seen each other in a year and a half and our phone and text communication has almost completely dried up. When I spoke to him briefly a month ago, he was visiting my sister. He said he was having a “hard time” and said he would call. I contacted him but he hasn’t responded.
A month ago, his brother’s wife confided in me that Lucas had lost a lot of weight and was struggling with a meth addiction. I was shocked and contacted his brother to confirm that this was true.
I almost got on a plane to see Lucas, but it’s clear he’s avoiding me. My family usually handles things with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” strategy. I’m very open (I’m a licensed mediator). I’ve also learned a lot about addiction and I’m very worried about Lucas. I’m having stress dreams about it.
I’m having a hard time telling my sister too, but I’m waiting to talk to Lucas. I would really appreciate any advice you can give me. – CONCERNED AUNT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WORRIED AUNT: It’s possible that your sister already knows about her son’s addiction, especially if it has caused physical changes, but if she doesn’t know, I don’t think you should break the news.
Lucas has to do this alone.
I also think it would be a mistake to force a face-to-face meeting with your nephew. If you want to reach out to him and remind him how much you love him and tell him you know what’s going on, I don’t see any harm in that.
If you have information in your professional capacity that could be of use to Lucas, by all means offer it to him. But breaking free from his addiction is something he must do on his own, when he is ready.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
